(No Subject) IV aka The Stalker

Sorry for the lack of updates again. I was sort of swept under with Black Friday and then decided to dart out of town to visit family and, oh my goodness, two different dates! Every now and then I do find someone who reminds me that all the trolls are worth the hassle.

Now this one is yet another real winner. The best I can say is, at least he's another honest one.

"GRRAAAGH, I need to stop stalking your profile...I just keep seeing boobs and being all.. OOH CLICKY."

I have to sigh and once more ask why on earth would you ever in your right mind say this to someone the first time you're contacting them? I mean I wouldn't go up to a cashier in a store that I frequent and say, "I should probably stop coming to this store because I only really come here to see you. Because well the way you ring me out just makes me go, 'Oo, press those buttons, baby!'"

I almost wish that I kept some of these troll's screen names so that I can ask them in a few months from now if they've found a date or gotten laid yet using their tactics. Honestly most of them seem to delete their account after about six months so I'm going to guess that the answer is no.

Oh and just for amusement, the "gentleman" who sent me the first message here, you know, "I know u say be honesty...?" Yeah, he's been messaging me again. Nothing exciting otherwise I would post it, but he was two sentences away from begging me to talk to him it seemed the last time. Haha, some guys never learn.

"Oops"

This one really says it all on his own. No really, I think he does.

"Meant to send a real message. Anyways, if you're as witty and as sexy as you say you are then I think it would be worth your while to chat with me. Naked of course. Haha...so creepy"

My question is, if you know that you just wrote something that incredibly creepy, WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU STILL HIT SEND? What voice said, "Go ahead and admit you're creepy. She'll see it as being honest. Yeah, that's right, honest!" In fairness I don't know what he sent me the first time, I couldn't find any previous messages from this guy, so I can only imagine what he's referring to. Yes, you could say that making the subject line "Oops" was completely appropriate.

Happy Turkey Day!

Sorry for the lack of updates this week. Things have gotten just a leeeeetle hectic around here, but never fear, I'm back. I will probably back off of the updates from every day due to having retail holiday hit, but I will do my best to get back to regular updates.

And in the spirit of things, here's the troll!


"Happy Thanksgiving...wanna fuck?"

Thank you trolls, for never ceasing to entertain me. <3

Great One Liners

So after receiving so many one liners sent to me, I've complied the best of them here. Sorry about the late update/lack of anything terribly witty. Holiday hours/customers have started to kick in at work and they tend to leave me feeling rather drained. Anyhoo, enjoy!

"do you have a preference on penis size?"
To which I replied - "Detachable." I couldn't help myself! Heheh. 

"wow you are a new breed of woman. lol"
*insert witty joke about evolution here* 

"you might be just my brand of crazy but Im not sure yet."
Nice of you to let me know that you'll be the judge. 

"would you like to see my big hard cock?"
Why I love wrought iron roosters, how did you know that was a past time of mine? 

"I just want to take u out"
To the ball game? 

"do u like ur ass licked and sucked"
I don't think my poor donkey would like you doing that to him. 

"You look like one hot slice of fuckberry pie"
Does it taste like snozberries?

(No Subject) III aka "burlesk"

When this one showed up in my inbox, I both cringed, laughed, and felt flattered.

"hey beautiful. i was wondering if you did any burlesk shows. i love them and to tell the truth you look your would be the type. im not saying that it as a bad thing. im not looking just for sex. im looking for a someone to go out and do something with. if what i have to say sounds good to you just give me a holler and maybe we can get to know one another."

Now, as a friend of burlesque performers, I cringed at the butchered spelling. I'm flattered because it's not the first time I've received a compliment like that, and compared to most of the crap I get, this one actually seems genuine.

For those of you not in the know (which if you're reading my blog, how could you not?), here's the "official" definition of burlesque.

Burlesque (as defined by Merriam Webster):

1 - a literary or dramatic work that seeks to ridicule by means of grotesque exaggeration or comic imitation

2 - mockery usually by caricature

3 - theatrical entertainment of a broadly humorous often earthy character consisting of short turns, comic skits, and sometimes striptease acts 

 

I've been sitting here trying to think up something witty, but really, I think this troll says it all for me. No extra mockery needed.

(No Subject) II

Sorry for almost missing a day! I meant to post this one last night, but well I got a little busy scaring wanna be Harry Potters at the midnight premiere of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (Part 1). Why was I scaring them? It might had something to do with this.

As well as Slytherin crest t-shirt. Seriously, one group of Harry Potter kids (who had the lightening bolt on the wrong side of their forehead!) turned around and GAWKED at me. I mean full out jaws dropped, wide-eyed and everything. What? I like evil. It's more fashionable than Gucci.

Anyway, you're not here to listen to me ramble on about the midnight premiere, but never fear, the trolls don't ever take a break. Here's a fresh one sent to me just yesterday!

"I saw your pic and seriously have to change my pants and stop drooling!!! ;) no jk but really i thought u werent your age. you look way too hot. sexy! now just to get you to dance with me. jk just saying hey! and hope you had a wild weekend..hehe"

Um. Yeah. Sent to me on a Wednesday, I wouldn't ask about someone's weekend myself between Tuesday and Thursday, unless it was a close friend and I wanted to know what mischief they got up to. But seriously? "have to change my pants and stop drooling?" Again, do these bad lines work on anyone? I don't find drooling attractive personally, not my thing. Though I could introduce him to a few people...

"u r looking great" and Bad Pickup Lines

I was right! The guy from yesterday apparently still is waiting, here's the message he sent me back in July after that first message.

"hey

u r looking interesting, let me know if u come online some time, we will get to know each other.

Thanks,
[name removed]"

I guess I must be crazy because if I message someone and they don't reply back, I don't message them AGAIN. Really? Are people out there that desperate? I've had a few of these messages where I don't reply and then I end up with up to four or five messages from them!

Anyway, onto perhaps the worse pickup line I've ever heard. And yes, this was sent to me as a first message.


"you really are tempting. but can you tame my tiger?"

-face palm- That's pretty bad, considering that my name on these dating sites doesn't even have the word "tempting" in it, or anything close to that, but seems to be misread as it all the time. I mean seriously, do lines like this work on ANYONE? That one was pretty awfully, but then there was this one...

"so do u tempt any old circus tiger? Or more like Tony the tiger?"

That's grr-! No, I'm not gonna do it. Putting my foot down. That was down right terrible. Excuse me while I go bang my head into a wall.

Sorry for all the weird update times, by the by. I've been trying out new times to see when the best time is and so I might not be very consistent with time for a little while. But I promise you, I'll keep the updates coming!

"hi"

Hey everyone, the trolls seem to be leaving me alone for the time being. All I've gotten is a couple of one word messages, which aren't very entertaining. So I dug up this one from a few months ago.

"hi

i was browsing for a freind, hapepned to see ur profile.
u r looking cute, nice to see u.
I am new to [city removed],nc
working full time, hard worker and down to earth, I am asian american.
let me know if u r interested, we could be freinds...

I will wait for ur reply.
have a nice weekend
[name]"

I hope he's still not waiting. But I'm pretty sure he sent me another message a little while ago. I'll see if I can dig it up for tomorrow!

(No Subject)

Hey everyone! Sorry for a bit of a late update, things got a little hectic last night and I wanted to make sure that I found a good one for you guys. By the by, in case you were wondering, I'm titling these entries as the title of the messages, this way if you want to look one up quickly, you can!

"Hi I'm [deleted] even thou ur a bit far me I just wanted to say I think ur sexy as hell and incredible smart and I don't see why u would be on a site like this anyway figured I'd keep it sort and simple message me back if u want to also I message u btw cause their r few people who r like minded as myself on here"

Ok, you can see how I type. I try to use proper grammar and correct spelling. I'm no saint, but I do my damnedest. You can see how he types. How are we like minded? Here's a tip, if you claim to be smart, take the time to type like it!

"Hey"

So I'm back from my weekend adventures. Exhausted, but I wanted to give you guys another troll. I apparently really upset this one, you'll see why.

"So from what i read in your profile you aren't taking compliments? This is throwing me off because that's how i usually get down a girls pants. You know I've never really understood that. I would much rather the pants be off, so I'm really just trying to get the girls pants down, and in the girl. I reckon that would be to straight forward. Well either way I'm [censored]. How are you doing?"

At least he's honest?

"YOU," "hi there," and One More Makes Three!

Since I'm going away this weekend and don't know if I'll be able to post while I'm away, here's three trolls, one fresh and two older ones, to hold you over til I get back.

This one was waiting for me when I got back from running errands last night.

"I loved your pics and your bio. I am a little older that your preferance on her states but I don't look or act my age. I love life and love to please and pamper and date only attractive Bi Ladies and not over 25. If you find me interesting, then please message me and we can take it from there. I promise that if we ever do meet you want bie displeased!."

It falls under my category of "form letter." I don't even think the guy really read my profile other than maybe a quick glance at what I'm looking for. Generic, generic, generic. Are girls really impressed by this sort of thing? I know I'm not. Also, the spelling and grammatical errors are just like nails on a chalk board to me. I'm not perfect, but at least I make an attempt.

This next one is back from July, but I still am in slight disbelief over it.

"Hi Chica,
How are you today? Hope you’re doing well.
I was wondering if you would like to do me a favor. I have a guy friend who is kind of lonely and would like some company; I’m not able to do so because I’m away until October. So would you do that, beautiful?"

My friends and I all just sort of blinked initially at this one. Really? Why can't your male friend contact me himself? Anyone seems to be able to create a dating/social profile these days, why are you doing it for him? I'm still convinced that it's actually a guy messaging others as girl. Be yourself people! Anyway, onto the third and final troll.

"Ok someone about me, I am out going, friendly and not sure what I seek other then friends first. Who knows where life will take us.

I'm sure your a very beautiful woman, very talented, and very ready for the next right guy.

I would at the very least like to be someone you can count on.

my poetry is on my website
* l i n k r e m o v e d b u t s p e l l e d o u t l i k e t h i s *

My art stuff is on:
* w w w . t h i s i s r e a l l y t i m e c o n s u m i n g . c o m *

(remove the spaces)

On a side note can I just say without offending you, I think we should chat, just something about you."

"I'm sure your a very beautiful woman"? Did you not even look at my picture? Did you just hit random search and hope that the person that you just messaged was female, let alone beautiful? Also, a minor (ok well major) pet peeve of mine is the fact that this guy just sorta assumed that I was looking/ready for a relationship. What the hell? Are you that lazy/desperate to not even care who you're messaging anymore? Because you never know who's going to get your message if that's how you're doing it. I mean, look, you ended up immortalized on my blog!

Be Very Quiet, It's Troll Season!

Hi, I'm Tig. I'll be your hostess.

What you're reading the beginning of is my personal encounters in the world of internet dating. I wish I could say that I was making up some of these messages, but I assure you, these are actual messages sent to me by actual users. These are messages sent by trolls.  Now I don't mean the cute and cuddly trolls of mythology or 1990s children's toy. I'm talking about individuals who obviously have copied and pasted the same message over and over again, have bad social graces, or are just dumb.  These are the "Hey, baby, did it hurt when you fell from heaven?" pick up line artists of the internet.

Ever since I started receiving these messages three years ago, I've read or passed them on to friends, and with their coaxing, this blog is born.

Why am I doing this? For laughs, for others to know that it's not just them dealing with these morons who fill up our inboxes and make us want to give up on dating. If you don't have a sense of humor, you won't enjoy this. If you're easily offended, you won't enjoy this. Consider this the single girl's last stand against the wave of stupidity.

All names, both user and real, of trolls have been changed/hidden for their sake.

So sit back, relax, get a stiff drink, and by all means, enjoy.

Oh and just to give you a taste of the things to come, here's the troll message that this blog gets its name from:

"I know u say be honesty an save the bullshit I think u so sexy an I think I can eat your [censored] better than a female can I see that u bi I think I can change that this is crazy I never wrote nothin like this before I just think u so sexy its just something about got me going crazy"

'nuff said.